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April 14, 2005

Tim McCanless:
Lies Our Mothers Told Us

BY
TIM MCCANLESS

Lies Our Mothers Told Us
One thing we all have in common is a mother. Another thing we have in common is those awful things that your mother told you when you were young that may or may not have had a profound affect on you. I know that I have been in therapy for many years because of some of the lies that my mother told me. I thought it might be fun to rehash some of them with you. Now, not all of these quotes are lies, but, let's see how many of them you remember.

A little "birdy" told me!
Am I talking to a brick wall?
Are you deaf or something?
Are you lying to me?
As long as you live under my roof, you'll do as I say.

Beds are NOT made for jumping on.

Call me when you get there, just so I know you're okay.
Close the door! You don't live in a barn.

Did you brush your teeth?
Do as I say, not as I do.
Do you think I'm made of money?
Do you think your socks are going to pick themselves up?
Don't break your arm patting yourself on the back.
Don't eat that, you'll get worms!
Don't go out with a wet head, you'll catch cold.
Don't make me get up!
Don't pick that scab, it'll get infected.
Don't pick your nose in public.
Don't run in the house.
Don't sit too close to the TV, it'll ruin your eyes.
Don't talk with your mouth full!
Don't walk away when I'm talking to you!

Eat your vegetables, they're good for you.
Enough is enough!

Go play outside! It's a beautiful day!
Going to a party? Leave a phone number in case I need to call.
Going to a party? Who's going to be there?

How do you know you don't like it if you haven't tasted it?

I brought you into this world, and I can take you right back out!
I can't believe you can sleep in this filth!
I don't have to explain myself. I said no.
I hope someday you have children just like you.
I just want what's best for you.
I will always love you - no matter what.
If God had wanted you to have holes in your ears (eyebrows, tongue, etc.) He would have put them there!
If it were a snake, it would have bitten you.
If you could stay out last night, you can get up this morning.
If you don't do it NOW, then when are you going to do it?
If you stick your tongue out again it will fall off.
If you're too sick to go to school, you're too sick to play outside.
I'm doing this for your own good.
I'm not going to ask you again.
I'm not your cleaning lady!
I'm not your waitress!
Isn't it past your bedtime?
It's not that I don't trust you; it's that I don't trust everyone else.

Life isn't fair.
Look at me when I'm talking to you.

Money does NOT grow on trees.

Nobody asked you.

Over my dead body!

Pick that up before somebody trips on it and breaks their neck!
Pick up your feet.
Put that down! You don't know where it's been!

Say that again and I'll wash your mouth out with soap.
Shut the door! I'm not heating (air conditioning) the entire neighborhood!
Shut your mouth and eat.
So it's raining? You're not sugar -- you won't melt.
So what if Bob's mom let him do it? If Bob's mom let him jump off the Empire State Building, would you want me to let you do it too?
Someone is going to end up crying.

There's enough dirt in those ears to grow potatoes!
This hurts me more than it hurts you.
Turn that racket (music) down!

Watch your mouth!
Well, people in Hell want ice water too!
What did I say the FIRST time?
What if everyone jumped off a cliff? Would you do it, too?
What part of NO don't you understand?
When I was a little girl...
When I was young we had respect for our elders, now look at the world!
When I was your age, I had to walk ten miles through the snow, uphill, by myself, to go to school.
When will you be back?
When you have your own house then you can make the rules!
Where do YOU think you're going?
Who died and left you boss? Who do you think you're talking to?
Who taught you THAT? You didn't learn that in this house!
Wipe your feet!

You can't find it? Well, I can't find it for you - I didn't wear it!
You can't find it? Well, I can't find it for you - I'm not the maid!
You can't find it? Well, if you'd put things where they belonged, you wouldn't have this problem.
You can't find it? Well, where did you leave it last?
You can't start the day on an empty stomach.
You don't always get what you want. It's a hard lesson, but you might as well learn it now.
You have an answer for everything, don't you?
You kids are trying to drive me crazy!
You must think rules are made to be broken.
You're going to put your eye out with that thing!
You won't be happy until you break that, will you?
Your father is going to hear about this when HE gets home!
You'll understand when you're older.
You're the oldest. You should know better.

A little soap & water never killed anybody.
Always wear clean underwear in case you get in an accident.
Answer me when I ask you a question!
Are you going out dressed like that?
Are your hands broken? Pick it up yourself! I'm not your maid!
Be good.
Clean up after yourself!
Did you clean your room?
Don't cross your eyes or they'll stay that way.
Don't EVER let me catch you doing that again!
Don't make me come in there!
Don't put that in your mouth, you don't know where it's been.
Don't stay up too late!
Don't use that tone with me!
Don't you have anything better to do?
Go ask your father.
Go to your room and think about what you did!
You have nothing to wear? Your closet is FULL of clothes!
How many times do I have to tell you?
I can always tell when you're lying.
I don't buy snacks to feed the neighborhood!
I don't care who started it, I said stop!
I don't know is NOT an answer.
I hope you don't kiss me with that mouth!
I said CLOSE the door, I did not say SLAM it.
I would have never talked to MY mother like that!
If I catch you doing that one more time, I'll...
If I want your opinion I'll ask for it!
If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times.
If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.
If you don't stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about!
I'll treat you like an adult when you start acting like one.
I'm going to give you until the count of three...
I'm not running a taxi service.
I'm not your maid!
Is your homework finished?
Look at this room! It looks like a pigsty!
Never try on anyone else's glasses or you'll go blind.
Running away? Don't let the door hit you in the ass.
Someday your face will freeze like that.
Think of those poor starving children in India...
Turn off that light. Do you think we own the electric company?
Watch your language!
Were you born in a barn?
What do you think, money grows on trees?
When I was your age...
Who do you think you are?
You are getting on my last nerve.
You could grow potatoes in those ears!
You just ate an hour ago!
You made your bed, now lie in it.
You WILL eat it, and you WILL like it!
You'd forget your head if it wasn't attached to your shoulders!

You will ALWAYS be my baby.

 
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